Wednesday, October 22, 2008

My parents lied to me

They told me I was 25. Nope, turns out I'm 28.

This campaign has been fraught with lies and damn lies, and finally someone has taken the time to expose the biggest of them all: age. We’ve all been told that John McCain is 74 years old but his REAL age is actually 64. Barack Obama is also younger than we’ve been told, though the difference is not 10 years. Thank G-D we have Dr. Michael Roizen and his website,, to expose the truth.

But this revelation is much further reaching than the campaign. You’re going along your normal day, thinking you’re 25, and then within an hour come to find out that you are really 28. That’s right, my parents lied to me, and your parents probably lied to you too. I’m 3 years older than they’ve been telling me. All those birthday cakes growing up were 3 candles short. 25 birthdays times 3 candles, on my next birthday cake I want an additional 75 candles to make up for it. I don’t even need the cake, just a piece of earth with 104 candles in it, blazing orange and yellow.

I’m going to have to get a new drivers license, change all my insurance information, and seriously, what happened to my REAL birth certificate? The bureaucratic nightmare this is going to cause. And come to think of it, when I was “16” and dating a 16 year old girl, I was really 19, and could’ve been sent to jail! I hope her parents don’t find out. I’ve almost always dated girls who are older than I, but now it turns out not so much. My friends, my world has turned upside down - it’s as if I’m looking at the Peters Projection Map.

And here I thought I had 3 more years until I was 28. It’s as if I lost 3 years, that I’m 3 years behind, because I had an idea of where I wanted to be at 28, and to find out I’ve come this far short, it’s really depressing. People have been telling me I’ve had a good life for 25, experienced a lot in those years. Now when I tell them I’m 28 they may not speak so kindly.

I’m a big boy though, I can handle it. After all, I’m 28, and knocking on 30’s door. I just became eligible for a whole other age bracket of women too, though I suppose that means leaving a younger bracket behind. Damn, I need to get serious with myself. The expectations that come with 28 are of greater weight than those of 25. You’re expected to have accomplished a fair amount in those 3 years between 25 and 28.

And think about this: according to numerous studies and reports, the populations of most of the West and China are aging significantly. If John McCain is actually 10 years younger and I'm 3 years older, and none of us are the age we think we are, this could totally throw off those studies and reports. Someone needs to get to the bottom of this, because there are serious implications on how the government portions stuff like social security and Medicare.

If you would like to experience a similar mind trip, visit the following links:

Real Age

Why and how Real Age is legit:

Peters Projection Map:

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