The Demise of Dating

Can't get a date? No worries, because apparently neither can anyone else!

It used to be (or so I am told at least) that if you "liked" someone you would ask them out on a date to get to know them better and see where it went. After a few dates, if things were going well, maybe then you would start to "hook up" and a relationship was born.

No more, according to this New York Times article. Today's model calls for people to hook up with their friends, and if the experience is good enough, maybe a date will come down the road. The benefit to this buy now, shop later mentality are that anyone has a chance at love. All it takes is enough time spent in a group of friends and eventually you have to hook up with soooomeone.

The negatives of this hook-up culture, though, are not what you would think. Young people today are having less sex (according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) and are hooking up with friends rather than strangers (according to the Journal of Adolescent Research). Instead, the negatives are focused on gender iniquity as males and females bring different viewpoints and agendas to the "random hook-up."

So yes, when your parents say, "Back in my day we went on DATES to get to know people," they're not just blowing smoke. There is a stark contrast in today's times, as the stereotypical dinner and a movie slowly fades into Leave it to Beaver oblivion.

What do you think? Is this an accurate depiction of the dating world today? And if it is, what does it mean for a post-college Jew living in St. Louis? How is a guy supposed to get a date, or is he even supposed to? And as a girl, do you want to be wined and dined or is that too "old-fashioned?" Read the story here and let the debate begin!
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Sophistication in the City

Looking for a way to unwind in style? Sasha's new location in South City is just the thing...

Earlier this week, Y?, LC, Rosh and I (along with an ever-expanding group of others looking for urban excitement) headed literally down the street to the new Sasha's Wine Bar, at Thurman and Shaw, right near South Grand and Tower Grove Park. Now, let me say right off the bat, I am not your typical wine bar patron (I admittedly came close to ordering a beer, but that was more due to the good beer selection in addition to an unbelievable wine list). How do I describe it?

Like an oasis in the middle of an area otherwise starved for places to go out. Exposed brick and pipe, walls covered in their wine inventory, a beautiful outdoor garden with heat lamps that you can bet will be hopping come summer... Sasha's is perfect whether you are looking to impress on a date or just escape the grind for a bit. Check out their website here and be sure to give them a chance.

Also, the opening of Sasha's is another encouraging step in development of the Shaw neighborhood. First Thurman, now Sasha's, corner businesses in Shaw are really taking off. Now the question is... what's next?
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Dating in St Louis (ohh the humanity!)

Dating in St. Louis is like opening yourself up for a roast. Anything and everything you do will be cataloged and discussed; analyzed and theorized on what it "means."
It's basically High School, except everyone is slightly more intelligent.


Gossip now moves at breakneck speeds as compared to High School where it would take at least 4 periods for anything to make it around.
Let's say you want to prove this conjecture for yourself. I would recommend going to a party, say in North County, or somewhere further out of the city, make out with a guy/girl that has a hair lip, and see if someone mentions this tryst to you next week.
Disclaimer: I have not performed this experiment myself (not because I don't like hair lips), but because I can approximate the results from my experiences as of yet in this bold new dating world.

It seems to all stem from the fact that though St. Louis is a metropolis, when you date it morphs into the quad where you ate lunch in High School. So if you happen to hook up with that hair-lipped-guy/girl, his/her sister's best friend's college roommate's sorority president, happens to be paired with your milkman's drinking buddy's dog obedience instructor for cooking classes at the local Schnucks.

They get to talking and they find that they have this weird connection through 6.2 levels (thank you Microsoft) of separation (the more likely situation is that they saw you making out with that person and just have that undying urge to tell everyone that knows you about it). This sorority president gets so excited about this random connection, she spills the beans on everything she knows about you, and you become fodder for their light conversation while they try and prepare tiramisu (which is always lackluster, no matter how much effort goes into it).

One must also remember the other tenet of the St. Louis dating world: Everyone has been on a date with everyone else.

Being new this environment, whenever I mention that I happen to be dating whoever I am dating, they reply "ohh well, did you know she is x, y, and z."

Now those words can be anything from candid, courteous, and caring, to crazy, conniving, and controlling. And they always can cite several times back in blah blah blah where she did blah blah blah with blah blah blah and it caused blah blah blah.

By this point, you might as well consider me to be married because I have turned off all sensory organs, even touch.

I understand that the dating world is a small place, but does everyone have to get up in everybody else's business? I hope to one day have an extremely wide of a gamut of words to be told about me, I also hope they make no sense, "well he is kind-hearted but despicable, sympathetic but callous." I don't think I would mind being called despicable because then I could finally grow that handlebar mustache; I have just been waiting for a reason and then use my middle name as my first name (trust me, it's basically my cowboy name - Lyle).

Now the question is not how you can avoid this system, because unless you are dating a mute who you take to back alleys for dates, you can't. And even then, somebody else has dated him/her.

The question is how you succeed within the system and ensure that when people do talk about you they only have good things to say.

"But Rosh, I have covered my tracks, I have alibis, nobody knows where I truly am, I even blindfold my date for theatrics." -- I have a universal truth to tell you, these people can smell shenanigans. They love the intrigue and suspense. It does not matter what the truth really is, it only matters how far-fetched a story can be envisioned and still be plausible. So if Y? told people I was at a hedonist beach resort last weekend riding horses barebacked, you probably would not believe him if you had any inkling about me as a person. If he told you that I got drunk and thought I could execute a triple lindy at the aquatic center, such a story would be more believable, but still a triple lindy, come on now, I am not Rodney Dangerfield. If he told you that I got drunk and sneaked into the aquatic center and skinny dipped for a bit, you would probably believe that and tell the next person you see about it (I can neither confirm nor deny that I have done any of the aforementioned scenarios). I bet if I told people that Y? got arrested for playing his bongos too loud and was naked when the cops came to door smoking a corn cob pipe (basically pulling a Matthew McConaughey), most people would believe that, but I digress.

So again, back to my beginning thought, the real question is how you can succeed inside such a system, and the truth of the matter is you can't, so if I were you, which I am not (I drafted this article and you are reading it, clear distinction between me and you), I would start looking for that mute that likes being taken to back alleys on dates and blindfolded.

Also, word to the wise, start watching Lady and the Tramp for some situational experience. My actual best advice to those going through it is be aware of those around you and the environment that you are in. Making out with someone in the middle of Buca (which just might jeopardize your personal space and personal safety) is asking for gossip, making out in your own room . . .the only one that might catch you is your mother. If you are reading my column for dating advice and still living with your mother, I have some Sex Panther Cologne to sell you. 60% of the time it works every time.

Stay tuned for my next article/foray when I go undercover in the jdating world.
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Jewish dating

Take a guess at which 'Jewish organization' has the largest number of young Jewish members (facebook doesn't count, despite Zuckerberg's MOT status).

It's not YPD, it's not Gesher-City, its JDate. Really. The single largest group of 20 and 30-somethings in St. Louis (and in most cities) is a website that exists purely for Jewish dating, and potentially marriage. It is useless to argue the chicken and the egg about which came about first, the lack of specific programming for this demographic, or the lack of engagement, but it is still interesting that the Gen Yid demographic would rather join a Jewish dating site, instead of align themselves with a community organization or temple.

It makes sense to a certain degree. A friend of mine was recently lamenting the problem of dating as a young Jew, particularly in St. Louis. While its not my place to judge certain patterns of dating behavior (although judge, I do), he raised some interesting points. The first problem is, where are all the Jewish women at? Second, where are the events at which to find these elusive characters in an environment that is casual, conducive to making friends and potential matches, and not awkward?

This is the beauty of JDate. Its all taken care of for you. You don't have to ask all those hard-to-ask questions that qualify a person as a potential match, its all done for you. They say everyone knows someone who met on Jdate. As more and more of my friends get married, I hear about more and more about Jdate's efficacy.

Granted it doesn't work for everyone. I also know several people who have gone on many a Jdate, and while they made a few friends here and there, the results left much to be desired.

Still, what if there was a place, or a stream of events that were casual enough to just drop by, like Mondays at the Muny (free seats, obviously), or Wednesday night jazz at the botanical gardens, meet a few people, share a glass of wine, and let things take their course.

That is the raison d'etre behind the Gcalendar we organized. Its simple, Just click the calendar link to see what is going on around the city. Also, if you shoot us an email, we put you on the calendar, and you can post your own events.

Then all you have to do is show up.

It's not just about singles. The hope is to provide for ourselves, to be the change we wish to see by simply connecting with the other young Jews in the STL metro area, and providing a forum and a sanctuary where we can express our vision for the future.
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The role of the Shiksa

I saw this image on a T-Shirt and couldn't help but laugh, and think about a recent conversation I had with a (non-Jewish) friend of mine.

She sent me a text informing me that she was hanging out with a Jewish friend and they were trying to think of the Yiddish word for a non-Jewish girl and a guy that dates non-Jewish girls.

The word for a non-Jewish girl is Shiksa (literally cockroach), as for the guy that dates the Shiksa, well. . . so far as I know, we don't have a word, which is probably due to the fact that its a pretty common practice.

There is certainly a deep conflict between the egalitarian principles espoused in much of reform Judaism and the deep bias against inter-marriage.

I've done some (pseudo)research into sites like JDate et. al, and there are quite a few non-Jews (mostly women) who have profiles on the site. Its clear that the attraction goes both ways. Granted, its much easier for a Jewish person to find a non-Jewish mate as a simple fact of numbers. By restricting your potential partner set to just Jews, you cut a whole lot of potential out of the picture.
Why is it, though, that non-Jews (once again, mostly women) are going out of their way to seek out Jewish partners (mostly men)?

Some of the answers seem to revolve around the classical American Jewish stereotypes. That Jewish men are more responsible and mature (*cough), better with their money and more family oriented. That they treat women well, cave easily to their demands, and provide steady partnership. . . much of this may be true, at least partially, but what about our stereotypes of non-Jewish women?

How often have I heard, despite the joking tone, that 'goys are for practice'? ...Sure, that relationship was going along swimmingly, until the parents started thinking about where the wedding would be held, how the children would be raised, and then, well, things went to hell, just like her parents promised you would.

What is it though, that simultaneously drives us away from Jewish partners until we are ready to consider the possibility of serious (potentially final status) relationships?

I'm as inundated with images of rail thin, large-chested, tan, blonde women without any body hair as any other media consumer in America, but perhaps as a Jew, these traits have a different meaning. Perhaps they are signals of beauty that we are supposed to aspire to based on our swarthy or pale predispositions, as part of our 'quest to become white'.

I think that as part of the integration process, we have held Gentile women as the standard of beauty to embrace, evidenced by the popularity of nose jobs, tanning beds and laser hair removal to some in the community. It is likely that, as we reach the limits of integration, we start to see a resurgence of pride in who we are, naturally.

It wasn't until I spent some time in Israel that I started realizing, or rather reminding myself, that Jewish women are beautiful. Now, I'm sure there is a point about identity politics or psychology in here somewhere, but really, it just clicked one day; I like dark, curly hair, I love dark, pensive eyes. Sure, our melanin might be pretty lacking, but hey, try getting kicked out of every Mediterranean country over the past 2000 years and see how you end up looking!

I'm interested in what people think though, so why do you never/always date Jewish/non-Jewish women/men?

*EDIT* There are gorgeous Jewish women with red hair, and even blond hair. I mean, Natalie Portman looked decent even without hair in V for Vendetta (although I couldn't help but think of pictures of those interred at camps during the Holocaust).

Also, there is a really interested article tangentially related to this that I just found.

שבת שלום

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