How Much is Too Much? Is Facebook Killing Friendship?

Whether or not you know with all of your facebook friends, the site has made it far easier to stay in touch with friends from different stages of life. But how many of these people can you actually stay friends with?

Imagine a stereotypical Jewish kids, who goes through youth group and camp in addition to K-12 and college, where they might have joined a sorority or fraternity and 5 student groups. Each phase, group, and activity has contributed to the immense social network the hold once they leave university. Where as this might have lead to a build up of an email address book or AIM buddy list, now, without trying, we can stay up to date on all of our friends. Quite literally, the hardest part of maintaining the 'relationship', namely the active attention it took to reach out and check in, has been removed as a barrier to knowing what is going on in a person's life. This shift from active to passive allows us to 'keep in touch' with a much larger number of people, and ensures that falling out of touch isn't something that happens accidentally.

It is often said that we cannot have more than 150 friends. The average number of confirmed friends on Facebook is 120. But if you grew up with Facebook in high school, used it in college, and are comfortable with the fact that Facebook 'friends' stretch even the meaning of acquaintance, you likely have several hundred. At minimum.

One of the four noble truths of Buddhism is that attachment is a source of suffering. As our social networks continue to expand at alarming rates (effectively tracking every person we meet and when), it seems natural that we would begin to be weighed down by our attachments, as casual as they may be. Because we often add friends without categorizing them on Facebook, we are often combing through status updates of people we don't know well, might not care much about, of have little interest in. Sure, Facebook's algorithms will reduce that noise over time to those with whom we interact with most, but the sheer number of birthday reminders and messages we get continues to blur the line between 'real' friend and Facebook friend.

If we are simultaneously able to have more attachment, while the quality of that attachment is lowered (by the lower threshold needed to count as a friend), then we are indeed likely to become crushed under the weight of too many acquaintances.

So what to do? Some people are swearing off Facebook altogether, or opt for 'Personal Network' sites like Path, I think it is still possible to effectively use Facebook for both personal and larger social networking gains.

First, stop accepting people as regular friends. Default them into limited profile, or create a list with limited permissions. Second, start categorizing your current friends, maybe by how you know them, or how close you are. You can set what you share with which group so take advantage of it. Finally, instead of the regular news stream, click 'Most Recent' next to 'Top News' and filter by one of your new friend lists to only see the posts you want.

There is no denying the impact of our technology on the way we interact and the relationships we build, but we still have some choice left in how we use it.

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Zuz and Y?'s Excellent Adventure

Y? and I made the pilgrimage to New York City this weekend to participate in the Professional Leaders Project SkillSummit. Along the way, we found time to rekindle some old friendships as well.

Spending just 33 hours in New York is a challenge of epic proportions, but one that I took on this weekend. Where do you go, what do you see, when do you sleep? These were just some of the questions I pondered during the pre-dawn flight out. The weekend was separated into two parts: catch up with old friends on Saturday, and attend the SkillSummit on Sunday. What follows is the quick rundown, as well as some sites to check out to see what engaged Jews are doing around the country.

Saturday:
-Upon arrival, I successfully navigated the spidery NYC transit system, taking bus to subway to walking to make my way to the Upper West Side.

-For lunch, I met up with old Umrath friends (yeah U2!) and experienced Barney Greengrass, only the world's best bagel and lox establishment.

-The afternoon was spent wandering lazily through the city on foot, including Strawberry Fields, the world's coolest Apple store, the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center and an excursion into the Plaza to view high tea being served.

-Saturday night was a reunion with the only Yankee fan I call a friend and a tour of almost two dozen NYC bars. Unfortunately, the play by play of that night has been censored by my editors (aka me).

Sunday was then spent at the SkillSummit, a gathering of next generation Jewish leaders from across the eastern half of the country. The best thing I can do is provide you with links to same amazing organizations and let their work speak for itself. Please check them out:

Jews United for Justice
National Jewish Democratic Council
The New Orleans Young Urban Rebuilding Professionals
Jewish Museum Milwaukee
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Is Facebook Hurting Relationships?

Is Facebook's ability to connect with old friends and seek out new companions in secret actually affecting relationships out in the real world? This article suggests yes!

As ridiculous as the headline sounds, can Facebook really break your heart? Back in my day, Facebook was a simple diversion that came online during Finals Week, meaning that everyone spent way too much time updating their profile and reconnecting with friends from kindergarten. 4.5 short years later, it has become THE tool to stay increasingly connected in a world that should make staying connected harder than ever.

We're constantly on the move, be it from meeting to meeting, from home on the East Coast to school on the West, or off to Tibet to study the mating habits of the spotted iguana for 9 months while staying in a hut with ancient monks. Everything is stacked against us maintaining relationships, let alone rekindling old flames (I for one have been routinely criticized over the years for letting friendships fall by the wayside).

Yet here is Facebook, no longer just a cult fad, but a legitimate tool that makes the world the size of a computer screen. Just this past week I have connected to old college friends, made plans for trips around the country, and checked up on my little sister's college shenanigans!

But is there a darker side to these connections? Does Facebook allow us too much access, too many opportunities to stray? That is exactly the question this article asks in loooking at the Facebook phenomenon. So what do you think? Is Facebook a positive agent of change that will forever alter the way we consider friendship? Or is it a dark and destructive power that does not relate well to reality? Discuss!
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